My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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