It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
