I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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