Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You don't make any sense
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