i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
