god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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