The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize