there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
