Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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