You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
