I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
