don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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