So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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