I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
