Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
