there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
