He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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