You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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