i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize