am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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