Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
