somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
