i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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