If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
