she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
