Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
