I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Every concussion has its silver lining
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
