I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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