Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
