Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
