What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
