I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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