how can u be prego again
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
