I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
