Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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