I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
