If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
