Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
