are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
