Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
