You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
