I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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