Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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