Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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