Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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