I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
