i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
