I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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