I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
