Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
