She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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