I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
