Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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