I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
