If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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