the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
